This past 8 months have been life changing. Our son Silas began his intensive autism therapy every weekday afternoon (15- 20 hrs). This has been an enormous blessing as he very much needs this help. But it doesn’t stop there. When the therapist leaves our home we have to continue to apply what he is learning and incorporate it into our daily routines. Silas’ ASW are all on holidays this week, so I’m able to write this. There really is no more down time like I had before. This is partly why I haven’t been able to study like I long to do and take the time to write. The count down is on till September where our daughter begins Kindergarten. Hopefully things will be just a bit easier.
Reading has been the main thing I miss since having our children. You just can’t be wrapped up in a serious book and mind young active children. I can assure you it doesn’t work. Spending time in front my computer pondering my thoughts over this blog is a luxury now.
My husband and I have consistently been active in weekly Bible studies and hardly ever miss Sundays. That’s all fine and good but you need your own personal time with the Lord too. I struggle with group prayer with adults. I can certainly pray publicly but find my mind wandering and feel the power is gone from my prayer when I think too hard about what I’m going to say. I see others tearing up and pouring their hearts out, and I am afraid of putting myself out there like that. What on earth is wrong with me? I see people going forward on Sunday mornings and I’ve yet to ever feel compelled to make a public declaration of my commitment levels to Christ. They strongly encourage this and I think it’s great for people that are able to do that. I close my eyes to focus and pray in my seat for my own private troubles. The only people I pray easily in front of are children. Kids don’t hear me messing up and fumbling my words so I can be at ease.
Recently I heard a sermon by Charles Stanley on prayer. He used the best person possible for his example. Jesus Himself when he was fully man. Mark 1:35 and Luke 6:12 speak about how Jesus prayed with His Father in the morning and again at night. It brings an intimacy between you and the Lord that no one can understand unless they themselves have that closeness with God. My prayers have always been very informal. I chuckled when I imagined what Charles Stanley would think if he heard my prayers of late. But more importantly what must God think of my prayer life? I don’t pray enough anymore, stop and start, repeat myself, beg for things I know He cannot give me, and thank Him for all that I have, and yes, fall asleep on Him. It’s quite a mix in there! I always feel it’s lacking in all aspects. Knowing that prayer is the most important part of knowing God, I feel a lot of guilt. Could that be God Himself prompting my conscience?
What I do know is this. If it’s bothering me enough to take the time to write about it, than I need to focus more on that part of my life. Does God miss me? I know I miss Him a lot, and don’t intend to face the next 8 months struggling to stay afloat mainly on my own. It’s just not working. Before kids I used to watch Dr.Phil religiously. I still like Dr.Phil but time management is crucial. His famous quotes come back to me often. This particular one, keeps popping up; “And how’s that working for ya?” This can be applied to nearly any situation. So I haven’t been dedicating enough time to praying and probably using our children as an excuse. I believe I would be an even better mother if my relationship with God was closer again. At this point in my life all I can make time for is praying rather then getting too in depth with Biblical subjects. My actual prayer will be for God to show me better ways to manage my time. Life is just too challenging doing things in my own power.
Going to go pray now…I know God won’t care if it’s in the washroom so I can have privacy.