Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.
When I was little I truly felt like I never fit in anywhere. I looked the same on the outside as the other children, but inside I felt different from the rest. I wasn’t dreaming about who I’d marry someday, or what kind of wedding we could plan. As a kid I never imagined what form of career path I’d someday choose. I never even dreamed of becoming a mother. I wasn’t one of those girls pretending to be pregnant with a basket ball under her shirt! In my youth I wasn’t a dreamer.
As a kid, hours upon hours were spent in our barn with horses, calves, goats, rabbits, cats, and the dogs. I learned a long time ago not bond with the chickens or pigs as the autumn meant their time was up. So many good memories taking care of all of these critters in the evenings after school, and all my free time. God knew how much I needed animals, and it was by no accident my family moved to a farm when I was 6. Never was there a moment wasted with my furry friends. They were therapeutic to a very mixed up child.
I cannot speak opening about my past. The only freeing moment I’ve had is the decision to take my life back by seeking help. Counselling was long overdue.
Since then I’ve learned that I’m the only one responsible for my actions. I cannot express and criticize others on how I believe they should respond or react to the knowledge. Discovering this came later in life then it should have. This would have saved me a whole lot of heartache. Betrayal has crippled relationships. I felt first and foremost betrayed by God. I was so especially angry with Him. It kept me from getting too close to Him over the years, and growing in my faith.
Everyone has to hit rock bottom as some point in their lives. This likely is the way our Father goes about getting our attention. Usually painful, but obviously effective and necessary. Thankfully for me it happened before I had my children in my early 30’s. I had to really get it together and stop relying on others to fulfill my happiness. No one can measure up against God. The Lord never disappoints us because He always has a reason behind what He does.
Psalm 120:1 I call on the Lord in my distress, and he answers me.
Fundamentally at heart I tend to be overly serious. I was diagnosed with a learning disability in high school which held me back from many things during the school years. I had to work incredibly hard and dealt with failure as best as one can. Finding my strengths in speeches, projects, creativity, and essays is what kept me passing. I had developed coping skills to hide many things, and school was just another giant hurdle.
But how do you get people to like you I had wondered as a kid? Ah, the learning curb of being a puppet and doing anything and everything they asked. My standards for friendships were pretty low. Reflecting back, it does actually sadden me to think of the wasted energy I put out for people who generally had agendas. Knowing you’ve been manipulated makes it only harder to risk trusting again.
It may appear that I am popular to many. I genuinely love and care about all people. It was a liberating feeling when I finally discovered Jesus was and always has been my best friend. No one understands our pain like Jesus. Period. It’s just bonus that I do not have to entertain Him. I can just be me, and that’s enough. That’s a pretty amazing feeling.
Nehemiah 8:10 The joy of the Lord is your strength.
This month is my 37th year alive and healthy. Now I find myself dreaming of what the Lord has in store for me in the next 37 years. Everyday of life is a precious gift that the majority of us take for granted.
Today I watched my aunt Shirley say goodbye to her son. He left behind a lovely wife and 7 year old son. They put on a brave smiles for the funeral attenders. Usually we are unprepared for deaths final call. It really was heartbreaking, and a wake up call to keep on doing what we are called to do. Get the Word out. Each of us has the privilege to help lead others to Christ. Knowing this isn’t the final goodbye helps immensely.
2 Corinthians 5:20 We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.
Each human soul needs purpose, goals and clear direction. If you lack this like I did for so long, it’s a hopeless feeling. The enemy stole a lot of years from me keeping me angry and fearful.
Gratefulness to Jesus is what I feel for intervening on my behalf. He gave me something to dream about. There is so much more to life when you can see clearly for the first time. Wrapped up in yourself always will give you a sad ending. The “self” movement is polar opposite to where our heads should be at. Die to self. Romans Chapters 6-8.
Hebrews 12:2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
I began to dream about heaven. Why didn’t this place ever matter to me before? All I knew was I didn’t want to go to hell, so anything besides that would be acceptable.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t dream about that incredible place that someday will be our reality. My dream is to have as many people there as possible. Have I been a positive light in someones life? Can they now see Jesus in me? When I was blinded by anger, I know Jesus was not shining through. He was very dim hidden behind my grievances.
Matthew 5:14-16 14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.